Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of the loss of my best friend and sister. I stayed strong most day (and the night before), thinking about her and what she would think about my life now – what I’ve accomplished, how I’ve changed, the adventures I’ve had that she wanted to have as well. I think she would be proud of me.
I also think she would have hit me in the face quite a few times to keep me in check.
I cried over having to give up a bike that someone loaned to me. I cried about needing to pay for my car. I cried and was unfair with K-bob because I’m insecure and want him to make me secure. Lots of crying. Lots of reality-checking needed.
I’ve come to realize lately that I’m trying too hard to be too much. To be perfect. To be impressive. It’s wearing me out and I’m losing track of who I really am and what I really value. I value my family and friends. I value my health. I value creativity and the pursuit of knowledge. I value not being bat-shiz crazy.
This image/saying really caught me this morning. Your THOUGHTS are what dictate your happiness and your future. I’ve been allowing my thoughts to be absurd and untrue recently. They’ve been hurting me. They’ve changed from thoughts to irrational fears.
I need to regain a balance of happy. To do that, I have set a few goals for the coming month/months. And what are goals without accountability? Well, that’s where you all come in. Get on my case if you see me being a slacker.
Goals this month:
Have New Experiences
Whether it’s trying something new at a restaurant, attending a show I would normally pass on or trying a new activity (hello Stand Up Paddle boarding – you’ve been calling my name for months), I endeavor to try something new each week. Heck, simply checking out new music. That’s one – a new band a week.
Make time for Family
I have a habit of hating the phone. I called my older brother (easily my hero) a grand total of five times last year. We managed to talk twice. Those best-friends-more-like-sisters who live on opposite coasts? Tried to call one yesterday only to realize I lost her number when I got a new phone in April. It’s August. This doesn’t mean dedicating an hour a night to a different person, but maybe it means sending those cards I filled out or dropping a quick text. There is always time for texting.
Listen to my Body
If you know me, you know I tear myself apart. Right now, so is food. As in everything I eat immediately turns to terror in my stomach. And remember that marathon I’m training for? Let’s not talk about over training and fatigue. Running nauseated is going to happen when you’re running long distances in high heat, but it shouldn’t be a constant feeling. I need to listen to my body and give it rest when it needs it. I need to fuel it with things that don’t upset it (re: actually and for real cut out gluten and dairy. I know those are two huge culprits). Practice yoga. Meditate. Shower more regularly…
And finally (most importantly):
I’m too busy. What does busy mean? It means I fill up my day with tasks and leave little time for the things that bring me joy. I want to rediscover (re:find my joy, maybe?) my passion for things I used to find peace in. Be it photography, sewing, cooking, – creating in general – I’m going to make time for me. The better care I take of myself, the better care I can take of the ones who love me.
Any tips from the peanut gallery? What have you found helps you achieve your goals? Books? Meditation? Classes? Movies or music?